How Active Listening Will Enhance The Relationship Between A Couple.

Every couple, at some times, have relationship strains. There is no getting away from that plain piece of truth. As we recognise that the ‘perfect couple’ doesn’t exist, we can relax and then try and enhance/make better/repair our relationship with our own partner.

All couples, at some time or another, take strain in their relationship. Nothing can hide this universal fact. Recognising that there is, and never has been, a ‘perfect couple’, means that we can finally relax and get on with the job in hand of improving/restoring/maintaining our own individual partnership.

We are not saying communication is not over until both parties agree with each other. Most times, that will be an impossibility. No. We are saying that communication is enhanced tremendously when both parties feel understood by the other – even if they “agree to disagree” at the end of the communication.

How is ‘active listening’ actually achieved? It happens when each partner reflects back to the other what they have heard – or rather what they think they have heard.

It is the facts and feelings in what was said that the listener tries to reflect back. After the listener has reflected these back to the speaker, the original speaker can then ‘tweak’ the response to make sure that the original listener really has grasped what the speaker was trying to communicate ie. the content and feelings of what was said.

It is worth remembering in all of this that the point of the exercise is not to get the listener necessarily agreeing with the speaker. Who knows if this will ever happen! The point of the exercise is to get the speaker to the place where they feel they have been understood correctly by the listener. Everyone knows what it feels like when we finally think that someone understands us!

For example, Jim and Denise are having words about things going in the laundry. Denise: “I am very angry and upset that you never seem to unravel your dirty socks but just peel them off and stick them straight into the laundry all bunched up. And then, I end up unravelling them. I get so cross as I keep asking you and nothing I say seems to make any difference.”

Jim: “So what you are saying is that you are really cross and angry with me for not unravelling my dirty socks.” Denise: “Yes, that’s right. But also that I then end up having to do it.” Jim:”And you’re upset with me because you end up having to do it if I don’t.” Denise: “That’s right. I end up having to do it.”

As this example shows, the end result of active listening (which is the desired effect) is that Denise feels that she is understood. Jim may not think she is right (and may selfishly not even unravel his socks again) but at least Denise feels understood – that Jim has heard her and knows how she feels about the situation.

Obviously, if active listening is reciprocated by the other partner and it becomes a two-way means of communication, then both will feel understood. This is the ideal. Hence the premise that, “Communication is not over until both parties feel understood,” has been achieved.

Also note that “I” messages are being used here (rather than accusatory “You” messages). Denise is recognising and ‘owning’ that she is the one feeling cross, angry, frustrated, upset, etc. regardless of what Jim (or anybody else for that matter) has done to her. An “I” message accepts responsibility that ultimately our feelings and emotions belong to us and we are responsible for them.

If Denise had accused Jim with a “You” message such as, “You make me so flaming angry because you never unravel your socks,” the chances are that Jim would have got defensive. Would any of us behave different when accused like this? Almost certainly the response would be aggressive and the argument would then escalate.

Does it sound like all this talk about “I” messages and active listening’ is a load of theoretical nonsense? Then go for it! Try using ‘active listening’ with your partner by reflecting back the feelings and facts of what is being said. It’s not just doing parrot talk. Rather, it is attempting to make sure your partner feels understood because you have taken the time and effort to reflect back properly what they are feeling and saying.

And if things go wrong and an argument breaks out? It is not too late to use ‘active listening’ and “I” messages after the event. When things have cooled down it is possible to recover ground, pick up the pieces and make amends. Better late than never – and it really will make a difference if your partner feels understood.

So, there we go. Try and practice it. And then try some more. Watch some of the frustrations, angers and tensions drain out of the relationship as your partner begins to feel understood. And then try it on your kids, your in-laws, your boss, your next door neighbour, etc. In fact, you can try it on absolutely anyone you want to improve communication with!